So I just need a moment…

“Can I just have a moment?” This is a phrase I say so often around my house that I’m pretty sure it will be my daughter’s first sentence. But more than likely it will actually be “I love Daddy” because Ol Dave is the favorite around these parts. But I won’t count that sentence as “the first.” ANYWAAAAAAYS…….

I just need a MOMENT. I just need a moment to pee by myself (can I get an Amen? But also can you say it downstairs while you sit with my children so they don’t follow me into the bathroom?). I just need a moment to fold this laundry but also really just watch The Office on my phone and pretend to fold this laundry. I just need a moment before I read Little Blue Truck for the 16th time today and the 16 billionth overall time (that has to be some sort of record).

But tonight, friends, I need a moment to breathe. And tonight I really wish I had just taken a moment before saying something truly hurtful to someone.

You see here’s the thing about a moment: IT’S NOT A REAL AMOUNT OF TIME. A moment can be so fast it doesn’t make sense. One moment you’re a 20 year old girl in love with a 20 year old boy who you think would never give you the time of day. One moment he speaks to you in a library and the next moment you’re married. One moment you have no children and the next moment you’re a mother and father and you’re figuring out how to be a wife and a husband together while simultaneously trying to keep two tiny humans alive. These moments are so fast that the details blur and somehow add up to the jumbled togetherness of your life.

But a moment can also be the longest and most immeasurable amount of time. One moment you have a mom and the next moment you see her take her last breath, which, in and of itself, is just a tiny moment of her life, but turns out to be the longest and most agonizing moment of your life that never seems to end. One moment you have this tiny little baby that you’re going to do everything right for and the next you are yelling “PLEASE STOP YELLING” (yes, I see the hypocrisy there…) because toddlers neverrrrr stop yelling- and that moment stretches out into every single night that you’re trying to go to sleep. You just sit there wondering how you may or may not be scarring your children. Will that moment, where I yelled “PLEASE STOP YELLING!” be a tiny moment for him or will be a long one that plays on a repeated loop for the rest of his life? Will he think of that particular moment when he’s telling his therapist all the ways his mom was a lunatic?

I. Just. Need. A. Moment. I say this to my husband most of all. This fight is going no where (as in, I’m need to reevaluate why I am not making any ground and you’re starting to sound more logical that I am)- please can I just have a moment? The baby is teething and the toddler is upset that his shoes have to go on the correct feet- Can you take them? Because I need a moment. I haven’t showered in 3 days and also only 3 of my toenails have polish left from the pedicure I got 3.8 months ago- PLEASE I just need a moment to take care of myself (aka I need a moment to, again, watch The Office on my phone, but this time in the bathroom with the shower running because, let’s be honest, showers really only take 15 minutes MAX and I just don’t want to come out of my personal steam room of me-time).

Tonight, friends, I should have taken a moment. I found out some big information and found out about it on social media. The information didn’t upset me, it was the way I found out about it. And that sent me into a spiral of hurt that no one but the Holy Spirit could have saved me from. Don’t get me wrong, he tried but I slapped his hand away the way my toddler slaps my hand away as he is about to fall from our porch. I should have taken a moment to breathe and pray and listen and compose myself. But I didn’t. I stepped off the porch and fell flat on my face.

And as I laid there (not literally. I know how to step of a porch), a friend reminded me “But that’s what Grace is for.” Ah, Grace. Grace is both a tiny moment and an immeasurable one. Grace stretches from the moment God made Adam from the dust and breathed His own breath into his lungs aaallllll the way to what came out of my mouth tonight. Grace was completed in the tiniest shortest moment when Christ took His last breath for sinners who say terrible and cutting things to someone with the very tongues He placed in their mouths; one moment we were separated from God and the next we had a way to get back to Him.

As I write this, this bible verse is on my mind: “But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day.  The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.” (2 Peter 3:8-9 NIV). 

Praise God. Praise God for each moment. For each hard moment where I fail as a wife, as a mom, as a daughter, as a friend. Praise God for each wonderful and perfect moment that I want to stretch across every hard moment like a band-aid covering a wound. Praise God for His patience when he sees me in my weakest moments where He should turn His back, but instead His grace pours out more freely. Praise God for hearing sobs of repentance in moments of surrender and then drawing us near to Him, where we belong.

A moment can be like a thousand years and a thousand years can be but a moment only to the creator of all time.

So tonight I just need a moment. I need a never ending moment of grace. I need a moment to apologize for what I said in a moment of hurt. I need a moment to recover from that hurt. And I definitely need a moment to sit and watch The Office on my phone.

(Photo by Kristen Fondon Photography)

2 thoughts on “So I just need a moment…

  1. Kalie I just read this to Larry as we rock and drink coffee on the front porch like old folks. Larry’s says “it’s so cool how Kalie can express feelings like that and feelings we all get” and I say yes, Amen. God is amazing in his patience with us. And He’s given you a gift of showing what His patience looks like. I can’t wait to read these – I hope you wrote everyday. And? Your mom is so proud of you. Immeasurably. If you really listen you’ll hear her say it straight into your ear.

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  2. Hey, it’s Rena’s sister Thea. Thanks for your honestly. Rena and I remind each other to give grace a lot. I’m looking forward to how God uses and molds you though this blog!

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